


Pleasure and Pain

by devertigozation



Category: A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Physical Disability, Seduction, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devertigozation/pseuds/devertigozation
Summary: Occasionally Willem allowed himself to wonder what Jude's life would have been like if sex had been something he had been left to discover, rather than forced to learn.AU where everything is same, except Jude has not been a victim of CSA (though still a victim of physical abuse, and still disabled due to the car injury with Dr. Taylor).
Relationships: Willem Ragnarsson/Jude St. Francis
Comments: 23
Kudos: 38





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> all the warnings from the book apply (i'm fairly sure my take is lighter on some issues though).
> 
> Name comes from the fact that on the cover of the book, the man who looks to be deeply in pain is actually in the throes of orgasm (https://www.mindjoggle.com/story-a-little-life/). I guess the entire idea has been of something of a kind for me - the ambiguity of pleasure and pain and their interchangeableness. Though first of all I really wanted to use that Willem's quote and expand it - what would it be like if Jude was comfortable with sex?
> 
> In some way I think that the reason they two haven't noticed their deep feelings for each other straight away as what it is - love, was due to the fact that, for Willem at least, the relationship without sex were unfathomable. So I think it makes sense that if Jude was a bit more comfortable with sex, they'd be discovering their connection a lot sooner.
> 
> I'd been using the time frame which I think was relevant for the books (that all characters are approximately Yanagihara's age) and so they were in university during 90s, etc.

The highlight of the freshman year, for Willem, are his friends. University itself is hard and demanding, and Willem doesn’t feel comfortable in it. Even though everything is so exciting, he still has a hard time balancing out his personal life with the very demanding studies, not to mention making peace not only with the fact that he isn’t able to ace his tests and exams, but, sometimes, even pass them from the first try. And people in this university - it feels like they’ve been living some different life, of which he only heard of in TV or in magazines, and Willem struggles to be on par with them, even in terms of a casual conversation. 

The four of them form a group, and Willem loves being a part of it, it is something safe, something under-control against entire world that is moving and shifting and changing. 

Willem sometimes thinks that the reason why their foursome works is because no matter into which two pairs they split, all feel comfortable in the pair, there really isn’t a three-person group within their four with one person being thrown out. He and JB like to go out, and Malcolm and Jude don’t. Both Malcolm and Jude are soft-spoken, domestic people who aren’t looking excitement, the way he and JB like to do. 

The less obvious pairing is him and Malcolm, and Jude with JB. But Willem notices that he and Malcolm can talk freely about their parents - even though entirely different, they have many similarities, and so whenever one starts complaining about a parent, the other understands perfectly. JB and Jude's situation with parents is drastically opposite to one another, but, JB's situation with his family - all of them so loving and caring - while is entirely different to Jude's, who doesn’t have a family, is similar in a way that it isn’t common. Or it isn’t common enough among teenagers, and it isn’t a common enough trope in TV, and so JB doesn’t have a way of talking about his family. But that observation forces Willem to understand something else, something that he’s felt from the first time he met his roommates, but hasn’t been able to quite pinpoint - he and Malcolm are normal people. Yes, he is poor and Malcolm has been raised in money, but their lives, somehow, across that money spectre, are similar - parents who don't understand, insecurities based on the choice of the profession, occasional high-school relationships. Overall, their lives aren’t extraordinary, and they themselves, too, aren’t extraordinary - with lack of particular talents, having no terrible sicknesses or insecurities. Yes, Willem has Heimlich, but Malcolm's dad is a multimillionaire, and somehow, the brush with people outside the ordinary failed to make them extraordinary, on the contrary, it only made them all the more normal - never in their teenage years did they try to become bigger than they were, not stealing the shine away from their loved ones, in Willem's case because Heimlich did deserve more attention than him, and in Malcolm's because he couldn’t hope to outshine his father. They fall enough onto the straight spectre for it to never cause any kind of questioning to them both, or feel to be in the closet. 

And it is easy being normal people, Willem finds - he and Malcolm have an easy way of talking about their experiences because those same experiences they see reflected everywhere - in movies about people their age, in talks with their peers. JB and Jude have different lives - JB raised in the family of extraordinary people in which he is considered to be the most promising of them all, and Jude’s had such a hard life, Willem understands that much through his silence, but what has been different with them two, what Willem felt straight away with them, and is sure everyone can feel that - is that both JB and Jude are geniuses. Maybe their lives made it of them, but Willem has a feeling it isn’t so, it is only a destiny hidden within the genes for both of them, and so both of them are destined to be extraordinary. 

They both have some inner talent, some way by which their brains function through which the world they've seen is different to what regular people see. Willem hears it in JB when he is explaining what he is trying to achieve in art, in the way that JB paints - like that is not just a profession he picked out, but his divine purpose. And Jude, if you get him to talk about things that he truly loves, Willem sees that it is only a way through which he views the world - through math or through science, and the world in Jude's eyes is something extraordinary. But more than this inner talent hidden within them, both JB and Jude have a sort of desperation for a success that neither he nor Malcolm have. JB and Jude are hungry and they are going after their desires as though they are haunted, as though a failure is not just a failure, but end of life. They aren’t as much enjoying the time now, or even dealing with everything that is about the university and being eighteen/sixteen, but they are looking only into the future with the same dreary question - _will I succeed?_ For Willem and Malcolm, both can talk casually about what they’ll do would they not find their preferable jobs, but JB gets mad at the insinuation that they aren’t taking their ambitions seriously, and they both don’t know how to explain to JB that it is only that for them both failure in professional sphere wouldn't be too hard of a blow, they have others desires for their lives, which are all more important than achieving a success, and so a professional success could be easily discarded in their mind even for their dreams for the future. In fact, for him and Malcolm, or so Willem feels like, the future has already arrived, this life in university is already part of their dream, part of who they’ve hoped to become, and that might be the reason why they aren’t thirsting after adulthood too badly. For them, this is already the journey they wished for. 

It is very evident that for both JB and Jude this stage of their lives is only a preparation, and Willem thinks that it is because of this drive that both of them actually find themselves making an odd pair standing opposing to Willem and Malcolm. 

When Willem tells his thoughts about their group various splits in two's, Jude smiles, argues a bit that he is definitely not a genius, and then says, "But, Willem, you miss out the most important reason why you and Malcolm are so different from me and JB. You two are the good ones, and we aren't." 

Willem tries to argue, but he sees that Jude doesn’t believe a single word he says, which makes him both sad and angry and he has no luck in changing Jude's mind, that much Willem understands. If Willem were to make such a distinction, he'd have said that it is Jude and Malcolm who are the good ones of them, even though he would've argued that all four of them are at least decent. But he knows what Jude means when he places JB with the bad ones. Sometimes JB jokes and he doesn’t care for the feelings of the other person, not even out of malice, but out of lack of care or even lack of understanding of others and their feelings. Or maybe, because JB, who has been praised by all his loved ones, who has such an overwhelming self-esteem, has no idea how much a joke can hurt the other. JB doesn’t know that others can have a fragile, tender psyche that requires far more nuanced care only because he himself doesn’t have one like that. And so it makes sense that JB is one of the bad ones in their group, but Jude is definitely not with him - he, so shy and good, Willem can’t ever imagine Jude being capable of hurting others. If they had to be split based on that, then Jude and Malcolm, by way of their soft-spoken attention, would be on the opposite side of spectre to him with JB. He wouldn't necessarily call himself a bad person, but he knows that in his way of seeking excitement, he can be absent-minded enough to hurt people by him. 

He is sad he can't explain all that to Jude, because in the year in which he befriends Jude, he starts getting used to the conversations they both have, and usually feels pleasure when they agree on something. Willem never before had a friend who would listen to all his thoughts with such attentiveness and genuine desire to hear them, especially a friend who would take all his thoughts and add something from himself to his ideas, which would deepen the original thought, give it more gravity. Jude is smarter than him, Willem realized that early on, even though at first he felt a bit weird considering that Jude is so young, or so it felt - two years only, but somehow difference felt more profound, Willem doesn’t know exactly why - because Jude is so small, seemed so inexperienced, or even that people at sixteen are truly that young, and it is all the more apparent in university. But Willem quickly learned not to underestimate Jude, because when they first started, very startlingly, to talk about their hidden thoughts, Willem was surprised to find such an insightful and nuanced mind that he was drawn to Jude and longed to have time alone with Jude to talk to him that before he only felt for books or movies, such desire to know an idea, a thought. 

He hasn't felt like his own thoughts were interesting enough for such a deep person, but Jude seems to genuinely enjoy their conversations and listens and cares for Willem's ideas with greater care than Willem himself does, which is yet another thing that cements the pleasure Willem feels when he talks to Jude. 

And those conversations have split their four into most important pair, or so it feels - he and Jude against Malcolm and JB. True, JB noted that their pair are black kids, opposing the white kids, but Malcolm objected that Jude isn’t white, and JB said, _true, but you aren't black either, Mal_. Another obvious difference was that he and Jude are the poor kids to others' rich background, but Willem feels that all those similarities don’t mean much in the face of the obvious one - he and Jude form such a strong pair that the other two have no choice but to become close friends against them. Willem can’t explain how exactly that happened, only that over course of the year it did. 

Willem feels, and there is maybe a selfish kind of pride in that observation, that he is best-suited for caring for Jude. And he loves it, he loves seeing to it that other people don’t ask Jude too uncomfortable a questions, he likes how easy it is for him to shame JB out of some stupid joke that would make Jude feel insecure, and most of all, he likes how grateful Jude looks at him whenever he does all that, he enjoys knowing that, yes, he does feel Jude's feelings correctly, he understands Jude perfectly and does what Jude liked him to do. In fact, what is most frustrating in their friendship is how little Jude allows for Willem to take care of him. Willem knows that Jude has headaches and he wants to bring Jude water or turn off the light and make the bed for him, but he knows that all that care would seem weird, and besides, Jude is so adamant about Willem not doing anything extra for him, that Willem learns not to press. Still, he wants to. 

But maybe a bit of a weirdness, for both of them, in terms of physical care, apart from the usual shame of boys that they learned in society, is also Jude's past. Or Jude's limp, or the scars on his body that Willem feels sure Jude has under the clothing. Willem wants to tell Jude that there is no way Jude should be shamed of his body, especially in front of Willem, but that would've been such a weird thing to say. 

Willem sometimes wishes he’s had some inner strength not to care about ideas of others and not let anything beyond what would come easy and natural between the two of them influence their relationship, but always finds himself caring too much, thinking too hard, and overall being far too insecure to do anything he would like - whether that'd be a conversation with Jude, or a better care for Jude. 

And then, Willem sometimes wonders if, maybe, it is Jude's sexuality that stands between them. After a year of living with Jude, Willem is near sure that Jude is gay. Or close enough to it. He can’t say what it is that's been a giveaway because Jude, as he told them, never dated before, and all freshman year has never showed a desire to be in relationship. But then, when Willem tries to see if this was true, to check if he truly is as shallow to allow Jude's homosexuality affect their friendship (he doesn’t think that is so, JB is openly gay and Willem never feels weird about being touchy with him), he observes Jude and finds that he can’t even say for sure if Jude is gay. 

Willem, to his own panic, finds that he started looking for signs from Jude by putting himself out to display. There is near an obsession in Willem, which is hysterical and which he tries to suppress, which is always on the look-out if Jude is looking at his displays of his body. 

Willem, while never has had insecurities with his appearance, that freshman year of university, felt that his body was growing to be so big, so healthy and took some pride and pleasure in it. He has always been a tall child, taking after both of his parents, so he never had doubts that he'd grow to be big. The last year of school, he developed some health problems - some ache inside his bones which freed him, to his shame, from P.E. classes. He slept a lot that year, feeling that strange ache inside, but after it, near doubled in size. And the first year at university with his freshman-twenty instead of fifteen he at last filled his long bones. If Willem was pressed, he would concede - yes, he takes a pride in the way his body looks like now. He hasn’t had too many insecurities during puberty, but still he’s had acne and quickly-greasing hair, and growing out of it all has been pleasant. Considering how normal he felt during puberty, it is with a great surprise that he finds how much he enjoys growing out of that stage of his life, how much he settles inside his own body, and only then realizes that he hasn’t had that connection with his body just a couple of years back. And sometimes when he looks at the way Jude tries to hide himself, Willem wants to tell him - it's going to be alright, Judy, you'll grow into it, but that, of course, would be too patronizing, and Willem tries not to make Jude think he is looking down on him because of his age. 

Which he isn’t. Jude is far too... Strange and even in some ways broken, far deeper than anything Willem knew before for Willem to understand him. Willem feels angry and sorry that he lacks the depth or experience to understand Jude better, he feels like he is seeing the signs, such obvious signs of something that he should understand, but he never does. For example, he knows with near clarity that Jude is self-harming, and Willem doesn’t know what is the best course of action regarding that knowledge - should he talk to Jude about it? Should he inform a health professional about it? And that is only one part of Jude which Willem doesn’t understand. Then, there is also a complete silence about Jude's past, which Willem doesn’t know how to breach. And at last, there is Jude himself, who with such open smile of a sixteen year old, have said that he is a bad person, who is with such ease handling all the studies in their extremely competitive school and yet sometimes has a look of absolute bewilderment when the conversation goes to cartoons or famous movies. Willem wishes he could understand Jude better, an obsession not unlike the one JB has regarding his paintings where failure becomes a thought absolutely unbearable. And so, even in such a small detail, he becomes obsessed with knowing Jude best. 

For some time now Willem has been taking his time getting dressed after a shower, walking in his and Jude's room topless, knowing full well that he is behaving moronically, and after turning cold from both the temperature and Jude's lack of care for him, only gets dressed. He doesn’t even understand himself, it isn’t as though he considers himself the pinnacle of every gay man's dream, he knows full well that even if Jude isn’t looking at him, it might still not mean that he isn’t gay. Maybe, he has a different type - someone more like him, bony and pretty. 

It is only that everyone looks at Willem when Willem wants them to - one of his acting techniques, Willem is sure of it. He can pull everyone's attention towards him with mere physicality, the way an actor has to do on the stage with entire audience full of people. Willem has seen it working before - the girls he’d focus on, would somehow gravitate closer and closer to him, even with JB and Mal, when they entered the room looking for something - a shirt to borrow, a pen, they never return back without visibly ogling Willem. JB then says something quasi-offensive, and Malcolm turns red, but they would be affected. No one whom Willem has known denied that much of an interest in him. 

He wonders at Jude's inner purity, knowing somehow, just as he guessed Jude's sexuality, that Jude has never had sexual encounters. Jude refuses to objectify Willem, even though Willem is putting himself thoroughly up to objectification, and, if Willem were to be honest, the constant sting of rejection, and, maybe, even worse, also that Jude doesn't even notice that rejection, not caring about it, should Willem even bring his attention to it, hurts deeper than it should. 

Willem wouldn't mind being objectified, or so he thinks. He’s always felt a steady stream of attention from girls through growing up years, and in teenage years when everything turned charged and sexual, even though at first Willem felt uncomfortable with it, later, he learned not to notice it, and, besides, the attention got far more respectful with the time. Now, even though, he doesn’t usually mind if people stare at him, the theatre work definitely got him immune to eyes of others, he feels some kind of need to be seen by Jude. He doesn’t mind every other person's attention, but with Jude, he wants to have it. He doesn’t know why, apart from maybe learning Jude a bit better through it, a desire Willem has felt comfortable with since he met Jude. It is most ridiculous how Willem wants to be objectified by the one person who is dead set on not viewing him in that way. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Freshman year comes steadily towards the end. Jude is freshly seventeen, the summer is ahead, just after the exams, and so, in order to escape the dull, repetitive panic of exams, all four of them ride to the beach. The day is great - sunny and perfect for an outing, and Willem feels so happy that he isn't studying, that he is far away from his worries of passing and turning papers in. Let them have this nice day, then he'll be ready for the last effort required to finish the freshman year. 

They all ride happily, talking too loudly, not hearing one another while they ride. JB tells them to shut up, because his music's playing. 

"Your music is such shit," - Willem says to be backwards. Heavy beats and angry rap don't suit this day, but he also knows that JB specifically picked that playlist to annoy all of them, playing his black card just to accuse them of their whiteness. 

"Drivers choosers," - he argues back, and they all groan and talk, and then the beach is right there, and three of them simply burst out of the car, and, without agreeing on it before, all run for the water, discarding clothes on the way. 

Willem looks back at Jude and invites him in, but he shyly shakes his head, getting their things out the car and setting up a place under umbrellas. Willem knew that Jude wouldn't go into the water, this isn't their first drive for an ocean, and he never swims, doesn't even take swim trunks with him. Willem wonders if it were alright if he were to go out of the water, lift Jude up and throw him in all his clothing to swim with them, but guesses that Jude would hate that. Still, Willem is sad that Jude is being a self-imposed outcast of their fun, he wishes he could join them. When he told Jude that he felt guilty when Jude was watching them three playing and not joining, Jude told him, "But I do have fun, Willem, don't worry. I like it better to observe you all, don't worry for me." And that might be true, but still Willem wished Jude was with them. 

Malcolm leaves them first, and JB soon after goes, when some girls invite them to play a game of volleyball. They invite Willem and Jude, too, but they both decline - Willem by swimming deeper into the sea. He lapses with long strides deep deep in, until there is quietness, until there are barely people - only the water and the sky ahead. He is exhausted, and so he lays on the back and drifts in the general direction of the ant-figure of Jude. 

When he is out of the water, he feels tired, dragging himself towards Jude, and declining another invitation for the game. Jude is wearing shades and shirt and mid-length shorts, and even that is considered to be showing a lot of skin for him, Willem knows. If it were someone else, like JB, Willem would've jested, "Spoiling me with all that body of yours," but it is Jude, so Willem knows better. He wants to acknowledge how great Jude looks, but knows nothing as to how to do it, so he settles on the chair and contents with simply appreciating it. He reclines on the seat, noting, without desire to do so, that he isn't in Jude's line of sight, Jude looks too much to his right to see Willem, even if his eyes are hidden. Willem thinks that it would've been a thrill had Jude used this opportunity with the shades to really look at him, but when he thinks about it, he knows that it isn't Jude. Jude would never do anything of a kind. 

He and Jude leisurely talk - Jude inside the umbrella shade, Willem out of it, feeling the sun entering his skin, and soon enough both JB and Malcolm come back. A girl on Malcolm's elbow - gorgeous, black, skinny. 

Malcolm says that he and Regina want to go to the bar for drinks, and does anyone want anything? He and JB immediately say what they want, and when Willem notes that Jude says nothing, tells Malcolm to bring something non-alcoholic for Jude. 

As soon as the pair of them leave, Willem can nearly feel the tension around JB - humor electrified, so he knows to expect the next words, and doesn't even tense. After a year, he can't even force himself to be reacting to JB. 

Willem feels JB's gaze on him, and Willem knows, perversely, that JB really likes how he looks, and it is this desire of JB that forces him to suddenly be a complete ass to Willem. 

"Are you looking for clients, Willem?" - which is, yes, this is how it usually goes. Willem contends with rolling his eyes, knowing better, knowing that JB only tries to hide how obviously he likes Willem's physical form by putting it all on Willem. 

Willem wouldn't even ever retort to answering to JB, if not for Jude. Even though Jude's eyes are hidden by glasses, Willem still feels a spike of... anger? anxiety in Jude, maybe protectiveness towards Willem. Maybe Jude thinks that with Willem protecting him, he must protect Willem in turn, and so always readies himself to do so, but Willem usually tries to prevent Jude from having to do it. Willem thinks he would've liked to see Jude becoming angry, and he feels like Jude is truly, honestly gets very angry at JB's jests at Willem, but he also knows that Jude gets very self-conscious about any kind of confrontations, so he doesn't want him to feel bad. 

So Willem stands, stretches in a way that makes JB's eyes glaze all where Willem wants them, and says, "Do you think it works?" making this all a joke between them two. 

"I fucking think it does," - JB says levelly, and then, because he has to have the last word, "You are truly a proper slut, aren't you, Willem." 

To which Willem winks at him, ignoring steadily the tension in Jude, and says, "You wish, JB." 

JB harrumphs, and then stands, and says, "I'm gonna go have a drink. Jude, I'll leave you to pimping him out." 

And he hasn't even gone that far, when Jude seethes, "I hate him sometimes." 

Willem wrinkles his nose, and bends to stand under umbrella, leaning over Jude, "He doesn't mean it like that." 

Willem sees how Jude thinks hard to say something, but eventually settles on nothing. Willem notes the hard line of Jude's spine and wishes he was allowed to touch upon the tensed muscles there. But Jude will jerk, or he will freeze completely, and even if he manages not to freak out too much, he still will move away from Willem's hands and Willem will only feel guilty for bringing Jude discomfort. 

"Don't think on it, Judy." 

Jude snorts in reply. Willem notes that he sat so that Willem is once again away from his sight. Jude is looking far into the beach, to some other group playing the ball, or in their general direction. 

"Do you think I should be offended by him?" - is what Willem asks in the end. He doesn't think JB means much by it, if anything, the meaning behind the words seems to Willem flattering, but he wonders if he misses something that is apparent to Jude, maybe JB really is meaning something worse, maybe Willem is missing something, maybe what JB does to him is actually offensive and Willem is being dumb to some undertone. 

Jude thinks before he answers, as he always does. "I think, it would be alright if you got very mad at JB, Willem. But. It is true, JB doesn't really means offense to you, it is actually his way of acknowledging the power that you hold over him, and in acknowledging it, he tries to bring you back to his level." 

Willem thinks on it, his body having a sort of power over JB, which in JB's mind makes their dynamic too unfair so it is the reason JB tries to bring him down. When Jude voices it like that, Willem is forced to admit, that somehow, the situation seems to get even more flattering to him. 

"I don't think that..." - and then Willem gets a bit flustered with his idea, and thinks on how to say it right. - "I don't think that JB feels intimidated by me," - he says choosing each word carefully. 

"You know that he is attracted to you," - Jude says casually, and Willem even flinches with a surprise, before he hurries to interrupt Jude, "no way, Jude," but Jude is undeterred, and at long last looks at Willem, with a smile, and Willem knows that his eyes are full of humor even if they're hidden, "Willem, everyone is attracted to you." 

To which Willem doesn't know what to say, feeling so weird and out of place in the conversation, not knowing the implication of Jude's words, but wishing so badly he could know. Wishing so badly he was able to understand Jude perfectly. And Willem can't find anything better to say except, "But not you, Jude." 

Which is definitely a strange thing to say, and it hangs between them two for a couple of long beats, all while Willem regains his mind and understands what he just said, and feels the panic at his words. 

But Jude is already turning away from Willem, and Willem sees how awkward he feels, how awkward they both feel, and even though he feels relief by the steady determination visible in Jude not to acknowledge Willem's last words, as though some missile had been averted, he still feels something close to regret that Jude won't say anything to Willem's sudden words. 

Willem wishes he could force Jude to reveal himself to him, but knows how selfish that desire is and swallows the potent desire, and forces himself to obey whatever Jude wants him to do, if Jude doesn't want to talk about that, they won't. 

"Even if JB is attracted to you, you shouldn't be punished for it, Willem," - Jude returns the talk to something normal, something that isn't weird or missile-like in it's consequences. Willem guesses he should feel happy, but he feels longing for that moment passed. Jude should've demanded Willem to explain his last words. Willem wonders if Jude will think about them, if Willem exposed himself too much to Jude's mind. 

Malcolm and the girl are returning with the drinks, and Willem waves at them, who knows why, maybe to dissuade the tension between him and Jude, both of them turn to look at the pair, and everything just drops - everything turns normal, and Malcolm joins them and tells that JB stayed to woo some skinny white boy. They form a circle, with Malcolm and Willem standing in front of Jude and Regina, telling Regina their majors/which exams they need to pass, and she tells them that she works as a waitress at the restaurant nearby, saving up for school or adventure, whichever will call to her after year of thinking it over, and the day is pleasant, Regina's two equally gorgeous friends join them. Mel, platinum blonde girl with a pixie haircut forms a pair with Willem, and he finds with a pleasure that she is attracted to him, and falls into the easy flirting routine with her, enjoying her attention, her eyes go up and down at his body, which, honestly, just feels so gratifying after lack of interest from Jude, that Willem feels himself near preening with her gaze, he becomes aware that he shifts his body towards the sun, so that his skin will be all out, feels how aware he becomes with his body under her gaze, settling deeper inside it. It is just what he needs after endless string of losses with Jude. He wishes he could stop himself, knowing that everyone must be aware of how he is behaving, how obvious he is, but then only JB would call him out on it, and he can't stop himself without JB to make him self-conscious of the behaviour. He tries not to look in the Jude's direction, feeling like he won't be able to handle Jude seeing through him, but he feels Jude's gaze now and then falling on him while he talks with his girl. Willem won't be able to handle Jude laughing at his peacock behavior, so he ignores it. 

When the conversations begin to stall, luckily, JB reappears, and they all look at him - he is drunk and a natural leader their broken-up group needed. A plan is formed instantly - they are to go to the girls' flat and have a party, all four of them conveniently forgetting about their homeworks back in school. Everything, as things tend to do with JB, becomes electrified, and they move with no trace of the past leisure of conversations they had under the sun. 

Jude hangs back, and so Willem does, too, helping him pack. All others are already moving forward - some will go for drinks, snacks. Willem looks at Jude and smiles, trying with it acknowledge the excitement of their plan ahead, but also of his ridiculous behavior just prior. Jude doesn't smile back. In fact, Jude's face makes Willem falter in packing. He doesn't even know what he is seeing - a bit of panic in Jude's eyes, like he's been caught up while doing something wrong, Willem almost feels fear himself, and wants to ask what's wrong, but something is different. It isn't fear in Jude's face. His pupils are huge, his cheeks are tinged with pink, but what draws Willem's attention most is Jude's mouth - Jude must've been wearing it with his teeth, it is all red and swollen. He looks like he's been crying with his patchy red face, but that isn't it. 

Willem's eyes move on their own and he looks down where Jude's legs are drawn together to his lap, Jude makes a sound of protest that doesn't sound like that at all, and tries to move, but it drags Willem's gaze all the more to the center, and he sees - Jude is hard. Not even that, Willem sees a patch of wet fabric. 

Willem swallows, and looks up at Jude, feeling as though he is all exposed, like his face is all open, and in Jude's face sees what must be showing on his - vulnerability and panic, and, yes, desire. 

The voices of their friends carry, they tell them to hurry, and he sees how unsure of everything Jude looks to be. God, he is so young, can he really not know what is happening? But he looks so helplessly at Willem, trusting him so surely to instruct him what to do, with such openness to his face, that it tears at Willem. 

He throws a blanket at Jude's lap, and goes out to meet their friends halfway and win Jude some time, distract them from coming closer. He is aware that he can't speak to Jude, and feels aware of his dick, begging it not to get hard, wanting to adjust it where it moved when it twitched, move it so in it's hardening state won't bring anyone's attention. And so he forces himself to engage in the jokes and not think anything about Jude, and feels how he slowly regains control over himself. But still he remains so focused on Jude, just behind his back.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: mention of self harm

Jude feels silly about how he dreaded the summer, now that it passed. He stayed at Malcolm's, worked, saved some money, and generally nothing exciting happened of which he told to Willem during their phone calls. He missed Willem, and he missed JB, who with his family had gone on Europe tour, and he missed how they all were when they were four together. Besides, if he were to be honest, he missed the safety of a dorm room in which all lived together, and he was rarely scared. In Malcolm's house he's had entire room to himself, and Jude found that he didn't like living alone, even though he thought he'd enjoy it immensely. In his past life, this was one of his biggest dreams - to have his own room.

The case, of course, is in the fact, that the past year he had been Willem's roommate, and he rarely felt this kind of terror with Willem near him as the one he feels sometimes at night when he is all alone in his room. He hates himself for how much he needs Willem, as though he is not already a burden upon him, how pathetic he is, with his inability to live just some short summer months away from Willem. 

He visited Willem during the Fourth of July weekend, Willem insisted on him meeting his family, and Jude had been so nervous the entire time, trying not to be seen as some pathetic ugly cripple their son and brother had to take care of, which in turn forced Jude to be a bit too focused on Willem's parents and Heimlich than Willem, and so at the end of the weekend, he felt like he hadn't even sated himself enough with Willem's presence, as though he hadn't really seen Willem during that time.

But it was fascinating - Jude always hungered after stories that Willem would tell about his family, his hunger equally for the bits of normal life, but also out of desire to understand how such a person like Willem gets formed. Jude had been surprised how ordinary Willem's parents looked - they both had a general similarity to Willem, but, surprisingly, those same features as the one Willem had, formed quite regular faces. He'd been also saddened that everything he heard before in Willem's stories about his parents - how he lamented at their distance, at their lack of love, was also true. Jude, with a great surprise, at long last found the people who seemed entirely ignorant to their son's pull. Jude had seen literally everyone being drawn to Willem not only for his general striking beauty, but also because of his extraordinary kindness, everyone acknowledged that Willem is probably the best person they've ever met, but Willem's parents didn't seem to notice that.

That part had been hard and sad, but Heimlich was just as wonderful as Willem said he is. Jude had seen, even through illness how similar in some great depth Heimlich is to Willem - same great kindness. Truthfully, Jude dreaded a bit meeting Heimlich, knowing so well how much Willem loved him, he feared that he would see too much of himself in Heimlich, that he would turn awkward, and Willem would hate him for it, but Heimlich was so much like Willem that Jude felt drawn to him instantly. He wasn't even saddening in his far more severe illness as Jude was in his own, so beautiful, it was impossible to flinch away from him, or feel anything but great care for him.

And how Willem at long last had opened up even fuller around Heimlich - that was most wonderful part. Willem, who is kind to everyone, of whom Jude had received such a disproportionate amount of care, to see being even kinder than ever, so kind like Jude had never known people to be capable of being, as though Willem was forcing himself with everyone but Heimlich not to be himself fully - that was something Jude felt so blessed to be perceiving, he tried to keep it inside himself - all Willem's attention and care for Heimlich, simply to know how good a person can be, to remember it against everything that might come. And it was yet another thing that reminded him how great Willem is - that when he opens even fuller, deeper inside he is only a greater person than he already seems to be.

If Jude was honest, at the end of the weekend, he felt relief that while he had been so busy trying not to seem as such a big burden on Willem, while he had been observing Willem with his family, nothing too weird happened. Because things turned weird with him and Willem at the end of the freshman year, after that terrible trip to the beach. Jude had felt the memory of that day, of what Jude did, a real thing that hang between them two whenever they'd be left alone, and so Jude tried his best not to let them be on their own, cutting out too honest a conversations between them two, knowing that once they'd start talking, they'd get to talk about that, and Jude dreaded it. And then, thankfully, the summer came, and even with the long-planned long-dreaded trip to Willem's, during which they both were so normal, that Jude understood that Willem had probably forgotten all about that day. 

He was determined that the second year, when he would be living with Willem yet again, he will not allow to anything of a kind to happen again, he will show, somehow, to Willem that he would never do something as disgusting as what he did back then.

Besides, the tension of those last days of the term came not only from what Jude did at the beach and upcoming conversation they always seemed to about have, but because of Jude himself. The next days after the beach trip, he had been so hyper-aware of Willem, his ridiculous, disgusting backwards attraction for his best friend must have been obvious to everyone but especially to Willem. So it had been such a great relief when during the weekend with Willem's family, he felt himself so completely under control, that he had been a good friend to Willem who hadn't been doing anything weird or wrong. Jude was determined that the second year, and for however much time Willem will choose to be his friend, he will never allow anything like that slip happen ever again. But if Willem would insist on getting a new roommate, Jude was resolved not to show even a tiny bit of hurt - that was, after all, what he deserved for what he did.

He felt stirs of crush before - the longing he felt when he observed other children playing whenever he would see them that slowly transformed into such potent desire to be with them. Jude already knew that he'd been backwards, and so of course he had found himself drawn towards boys, he still didn't know if he only felt that awkward with girls, or if he was truly gay. Because of his childhood in the monastery, he knew that it had been wrong of him to like boys, but he already was such a backwards creature, it didn't surprise Jude that he grew to be one of abominations the brothers had told him about.

When he first met Willem, he felt no such crush - Willem was far too beautiful for Jude to even presume to be allowed to like him. At first, he couldn't even believe that Willem was willing to drop so low as to become his friend. He knew at the time that for Willem it must've been some kind of joke or ridiculous sense of pity that forced Willem to extend the invitation to hang out and to talk to him, and he knew that he shouldn't presume to be Willem's friend, that he should've freed Willem out of obligation he no doubt felt for his pathetic roommate that wouldn't find any friends otherwise, but he had been so spineless that he instead latched onto Willem. Jude dreamed all his life about having friends, and to have such great, such amazing friends that were so much better than anything he could dream of, was so reaffirming. If only Jude could be rightfully appreciative of his gift, and not been such a terrible person with his disgusting desires.

Jude, knowing that he is gay, decided early on, never to let his friends know about it, fearing that they would turn away from him. Even when JB came out, still Jude hadn't said anything. JB was one thing, he was something altogether different. But Jude promised himself more - that he would never use his friends as tools to his dreams, it would be so disgusting of him, of all people, to use them in such way, without them being able to do anything about it. They opened up to Jude, they touched him, and hugged him, if they were to know that he could form a sexual desire for them, surely, they would never do anything of a kind, and so, since Jude hadn't told them this important information about himself through which they could guard themselves accordingly, it was up to Jude to behave appropriately. He didn't think he'd have trouble with it.

First of all, he knew so well that the relationships, of romantic or sexual kind were forbidden to him - with his ugly body, with his scars, Jude felt bad even for the health professionals who had to see him, he'd never undress in front of another person for any reason. Besides, Jude knew well enough, not that he'd have exactly a chance at dating - who would want him? He could barely stand to look at himself in the mirror, and he had years of practice. Jude couldn't even fathom a person who would be willing to tolerate his face, his body, his general presence for long enough time, who would be willing to be tied together to him, and he couldn't blame the world for it's inability to birth someone who would tolerate him.

The wrong part, the absurd part was that he wanted it. 

The most fucked up part was who he wanted. 

The growing of it has been so slow, Jude hadn't even noticed his presumption until he was already head over heels.

Sometimes, Jude didn't even feel too bad at his attraction - surely, everyone, in some way or the other fell for Willem? How could you not? Jude couldn't even imagine a person more good-looking, a person more caring, a person with such goodness inside him, and on top of all that, Willem was also smart and sensitive. No, Jude observed people, and he could say with absolute clarity that everyone felt Willem's charm. Girls who had boyfriends couldn't help themselves, looking at Willem - at his face, at his chest. Jude had seen Malcolm turning color when Willem would get him under his arm. And JB was so obvious, everyone seen that, and even JB knew how obvious he was with his attraction.

Jude, in that time, during those observations, felt very familiar sense of anger that he wasn't like others. Of course, everyone else could desire Willem, they were normal, but he, Jude, was some backwards creature that could barely qualify for being a human. He felt grotesque, like some gargoyle, and he dared to lust after grandest of all humans? Just because others desired Willem, it didn't mean that Jude was allowed to be amongst them. 

And what would it mean to Willem? Oh, Jude knew well enough that Willem wouldn't show him disgust, that he wouldn't even try to make Jude feel too bad about it. But Jude was sure - if Willem knew that Jude wanted him in such way, he'd feel repulsion, and it was the last thing Jude wanted Willem to feel about him. 

For about entire year, while his attraction waned, while it grew, Jude felt like he could control himself. It was easy enough - Willem had been dating gorgeous girls, and Jude even loved to hear Willem talk about them, he felt a thrill that Willem shared so much with him, and he thought all that were only the signs of his pull towards Willem as a friend, and Jude never had anything like what was building between him and Willem, so he didn't know what was normal or not.

Then, sometime in the winter, Willem had admitted to him that he felt like he was somewhere on a Kinsey scale, and tried experimenting with boys. Willem didn't tell him anything beyond that, awaiting Jude's questions, but Jude simply blacked out. He never could've foreseen... Even though in college he learned that people thought differently about gay people, even though he himself met gay people whom he liked... Somehow, Willem's confession, took his breath away - Willem so straight and perfect... Jude knew that this was internalized homophobia in him, and with a terror now struggled to realign his entire world-view in which the best person, the most perfect person was not straight. He learned before that everything he'd been taught in monastery was wrong, but inside he realized he still clung to their beliefs, and now he couldn't ever afford himself to think in some terrible backwards way about Willem.

The hardest part was - if he needed to accept that Willem was still the same person, no matter what his attraction was, in short, if he needed to accept what he had to, to remain a good friend to Willem, Jude had to accept that at least one thing of many that made his terrible and backwards, was not so bad. He still was a bad person, but there was one less reason for that, and for Jude it was hard to understand. He expected that others would hate him for his gayness, and thought it would, even in college, at least be understandable, but he couldn't, in absolutely no way at all, accept that some people would hate Willem, and for what? Because Willem occasionally liked boys? He felt like he hated all those people who would make it hard for Willem to even experiment, he felt absolute terror at the thought that some terrible person with narrow mind would make Willem feel bad for his natural attraction. And somehow, even though Jude tried to make some kind of calculation in which it was alright to hate him for the same thing that no one was allowed to hate Willem for, Jude had to accept that, in his gayness, there was nothing truly wrong in itself.

So he had to accept that it wasn't, in fact, a gayness that was wrong, it was only Jude. Willem would make any partner happy, but Jude was too ugly, inside and out, to hope for love. 

It became harder after that - Willem would occasionally share some stories with him, but with great care, and Jude almost sensed inside Willem a question - are you gay, Jude? And Jude almost wanted to tell him that, yes, he was, Willem should tell him those stories without being afraid of Jude judging him, that he could understand Willem's experiments and Willem's attractions. It wasn't like there would even be awkwardness between them, Jude reasoned, Willem would surely know that Jude would never be so presumptive as to have a crush on him, and in return, it was absurd to even think that someone like Willem would even view Jude as some kind of sexual creature. 

But Jude didn't say anything. Of course, he didn't. He hadn't shared anything with Willem, even though sometimes he so terribly wished, but then would remind himself that Willem didn't need that in his life, not to mention that it would only burden him further with Jude, and, lastly, Jude dreaded that Willem wouldn't like who Jude actually was, Jude was already so good at pretending, there was no need to sabotage all his efforts. 

The truth is, the crush grew deep inside, but Jude could control it by reminding himself how wrong it was of him to desire Willem, and it worked - it seemed like his body knew the truth - that Willem would never be his anyway. He would feel spurs of jealousy when Willem would flirt with another pretty girl at the party, and he would occasionally stare for a long time at the slope of Willem's shoulders from behind, marvel at the strength of his back, he would inhale deeper when he would come back from the class and feel the unmistakeable smell of sex in the room when Willem's trash box would be filled with tissues, and when he jerked off in the showers, Jude, at the last moment, when he would have no control over his thoughts, would suddenly think about Willem - just his face, just what he did, how he moved, and after each of these instances, he would feel repulsed by himself, and thought that was enough to control himself - that repulsion for his thoughts somehow cancelled them out.

It was the warmer days that started melting out Jude's entire sanity. As the spring rolled over, Willem took his time getting dressed. Jude could even understand it, Willem with his Scandinavian blood was made for winter climate, his blood was running hot and so of course as the days got warmer, Willem felt subconscious need to stall the time of his nakedness, feeling pleasant cooling air. 

Jude felt as though he was burning on the grill instead. It wasn't even pleasant. Everyone always talked how attraction felt good, and it hadn't. Jude was feeling so miserable, so terrible, wallowing in his shame, all while he willed himself not to look, or when Willem would talk to him, to talk regularly, control his voice, control where his eyes would fall. What would Willem feel, had he known that Jude was disgustingly ogling him? Jude felt a headache forming with all the efforts he made to control even the minutiae movements of his eyes. 

Jude had seen how comfortable Willem was with his body, whenever their sweet-mates would come into the room, allowing them to touch him during the conversation. Jude knew perfectly what was the reason for all those touchings from their side - it was hard to believe that Willem's body wasn't some kind of a mirage, it could even be non-sexual, just a type of bewilderment at what a torso from a museum exponent was doing in their dorm. He even knew that it was possible to appreciate Willem's beauty in non-sexual way, maybe even more understandably - he was just too good-looking, that a mind might not even register his body as a real person, but a piece of art, and well, people generally don't lust after art. Jude suspected that was the reason why Willem felt so comfortable in his skin and with attention everyone was giving him. Firstly, of course, he simply got used to it after years of it, but secondly, majorly, it wasn't sexual, it was barely even personal.

If only Jude wasn't so backwards. For him, it was personal, and it was sexual. Every moment that Willem spent being topless brought Jude's sanity to a brink - he was pretending to be doing homework, unable to focus on anything except not moving his eyes, he chewed all his pens, he scratched himself to distract himself with the pain. Afterwards, he would cut and cut and cut himself, trying to force his backwards body and mind to remember that attraction led to pain.

And yet, and yet. He would look. He would tear his eyes right away, always doing it when Willem would turn away, when he would talk to Malcolm or JB, hating himself for how careful he was to protect himself against Willem's rightful anger at him. If he had to look, he better had done it so that Willem would see it, and even if he'd feel uncomfortable, at least he would know that he has to shield himself against lustful gaze of someone he called his best friend. 

Whenever Jude would look, he swears, he could sob with the mere perfection of that body. Jude is sure that Willem's body is simply mathematically correct - there must be some law that his bone structure obeys that creates such right slope, such entanglement of muscles on it. And yet, sometimes, he doesn't even feel that kind of awe - what he feels instead is that dirty disgusting need to touch that glorious skin, he feels such physical reaction inside himself - his mouth would salivate because of the pictures in which he would somehow be allowed to lick the sweat off Willem, to kiss it gently all over, to smell Willem's skin everywhere. And he would get hard. Ridiculously, painfully hard, and then he would have to sit closer to the table to hide his lap and wait it out, he would even leak, he would feel that angry throb inside his pants, knowing that his dick is red, hard and leaking, and all because he would stare and fantasize about his best friend.

It would've been better, Jude is sure of it, had the attraction not been feeling so personal. But instead it was one of the worst attractions Jude ever felt in his life. And it was because he loved Willem, he fell for him wholly and completely, and loved him like he never loved anyone. It wasn't all about attraction or sexual, Jude loved Willem for his character, for how great a friend he was, because of their conversations together, because, whenever Willem would share something about his life or about his deep inner thoughts, Jude felt some variation of awe, desire to protect that tender thing Willem gave to Jude so freely, fascination and a deep sense of gratuity to be allowed to be close to Willem. 

And that love made everything strange and twisted. Jude couldn't understand how could he love Willem with such clarity, love him so much that his greatest desire was to see Willem lead a great, happy life, his grandest fear was anything that might hurt Willem, break him, in short, to experience such a good emotion, the one that was clear and healthy, and at the same time feel such a terrible need to stain Willem with his horniness. And the feeling was one and same, each informed another, and Jude could untangle his love from his lust. He wished he could. He wished he could love Willem, and wished it wasn't connected to his desire to be near Willem, his need to touch Willem, wished he could appreciate even Willem's body without feeling the need to lick, smell, touch it. It was obscene even in his mind - he'd play a scene - he and Willem, and Willem at the mercy of his desire - hot and naked, kissing him back, and then would see that scene as if from a distance - and Jude would only feel repulsion that someone like him was near Willem at all, much more touching Willem in such way. Jude could just see how idiotic his desire is by playing that scene - Willem had his eyes closed, but Jude knew that once Willem would open them, there would be disgust in them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The second year comes so suddenly as though Jude hadn't spent entire summer wishing, dreading for it to begin. JB, he and Malcolm meet the day before the classes start, Willem called them and said he'd come straight to the classes. They go to a Chinese restaurant, catching up, telling each other what they were up to during the summer - JB and Malcolm travelled across the globe, and so they tell far more interesting stories, but Jude is more than content to just sit and listen. He doesn't think he's done anything worth telling, too. 

Malcolm tells them about girls, JB talks about boys he picked up, and Jude marvels at their world in which sexual attraction is something good and natural, and he envies them. He is every bit as hung up on his own crush, and he wishes he had at the very least the words with which to tell them about it. But then, his own feelings disgust even his own self - Jude knows that his attraction for Willem is something altogether different from how Malcolm and JB experience it, he is far more desperate, pathetic in it, his feelings are uglier, they stain the person he fell for. 

Even if he had managed to hide the fact that he is in love with Willem, and forced both Malcolm and JB never to mention anything of the talk to Willem, Jude would be embarrassed to confide in his friends that he, who is already lucky enough to be called someone's friend, harbours such desires. Jude would've hated to see in their eyes the pity that he would desire for something he could never get, and disgust on behalf of the person who had to be the unlucky recipient of Jude's attention, Jude didn't want Malcolm and JB to even try in their heads to see how Jude would date. 

But what would be worse, would be the encouragements they would be forced to unleash on Jude - they wouldn't understand that Jude would never presume to be allowed to act out on his attraction, the most he wanted was to be allowed to talk about it and that was it, and Jude also feared that they would somehow still push Jude into doing something he would forever regret. 

But what terrified Jude most out of having this conversation with his friends, the one he was so jealous to have, was the fact that Malcolm and JB would, no doubt, understand who Jude fell for. Even if he wouldn't mention names, gender, major, where he met that person, lie at worst - say that it is a girl, someone from his summer job, Jude was so damn sure they would see right through him. The only reason they hadn't pierced Jude's attraction so far, was because they didn't even suspect, understandably, that Jude was capable of such feelings. Jude felt as though, when he looked at Willem, everything poured out of him - the total complete devotion he had for his best friend, how he would do just anything for Willem, how grateful he was in some cosmic sense to be allowed to be living in the same space and time as Willem. No, the only reason not only JB and Malcolm, but most importantly Willem, hadn't pierced Jude's attraction yet was not because of Jude's stealth, for he had none, but because it was hard to believe that Jude, looking as he did, acting as he was, harboured enough deviation within himself to let himself fall in love. Jude wanted to tell them, in his head where this conversation took place, that he did try his best not to, he tried his best to forget that lunacy. But Willem is just so wonderful, was that truly so irregular of him? And Jude knew that, yes, it was. For him, to fall for Willem was a great offense to Willem, and Jude didn't know how to live with it - with the harm he'd been causing in his head to Willem, when he despised anything that was bad for Willem so much.

Afterwards, they go to the campus, looking for the classes they'll have. Campus is mostly quiet and deserted, and it is nice - inside the conversation they strike about their classes, professors, auditoriums, what they expect to learn in the new year, Jude almost regains comfort he lacked before.

Afterwards, JB wants to go to a party, and Malcolm concedes to go with him when Jude refuses it very sternly. His knees are already in pain after entire day of walking across the campus, anyway. The only one who can force him to go to such places is Willem, so neither JB nor Malcolm try too hard to change Jude's mind, knowing they'd lose.

He goes back to their dorm. Sophomore's housing is far better, plus they received an advanced placement because of Jude's disability. When Jude goes inside, already feeling a headache pounding, he plans initially on just laying there in the dark, waiting for the pain to subside, then taking a shower and going to sleep, but when he enters the room, he suddenly is overcome with the knowledge that this will also be where Willem will live for a year ahead. It makes Jude so happy, he feels pain easing a bit. 

He sits in the dark, watching over shadowy objects of the room, trying to see the future when every single piece of wall, carpet, furniture will be transformed with Willem's touch. It's like they already are - with the mere promise of Willem's coming. The pain eases in an hour or two, and Jude already has plans - he turns on the lights and cleans the room, wishing he could think of something else to do - something to make this place more welcoming for Willem. He thinks of something when he showers, and after getting dressed, Jude goes to their dorm kitchen with some of the products he bought today early in the morning. 

It makes Jude feel so good - knowing he is making something for Willem. Jude tries not to expect much, but in his head, he wonders if Willem would feel a little touched by the welcome, if Willem would feel better by having some sugar before the classes, and he wants that so much for Willem - to make Willem even a little happier. 

Willem will come early and will probably go straight to his first class, so Jude might not get to see him when he comes to drop his things, and he might not have time to eat a proper breakfast, and it is a nice thought - that Jude might do something good for Willem - help him face his first class this year, Jude knows how hard it is to do on the empty stomach.

He places the plate with chocolate cookies on the table by Willem's bed with a note, and goes to sleep, exhausted and hopeful.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He wakes from the sound of the door opening, and knows immediately what it means, with no fear of intruder he usually had in Malcolm's apartment - past more alive when he wakes, but not now - he knows it is Willem.

"Go back to sleep, Judy, it's early," - Willem whispers when he notices him stirring. And Jude falls right back - he shouldn't distract Willem with greetings, he has a class immediately after. But he drinks Willem’s presence as he drops his bags, and when Willem notices it, he jumps close to Jude's bed, crouches by it, and when Jude's heart leaps out if his chest, Willem hugs him and bumps his nose into Jude's cheek, saying, "I missed you so much, Judy," voice so soft Jude might as well die of a cardiac arrest on the spot. He hurries to free his hands from beneath the blanket, saying, "Me, too, Willem, me, too," hugging Willem back, proving to himself he is really here, holds Willem's head in his to really properly look at his face, so happy.

There are dark circles under - Willem probably didn't get a good night's sleep on the bus. Jude really aches for him - that he has to go to a class in that state.

"There's cookies, on your table," - Jude says just to say something, both of them still whispering, hushed and hurried. 

"What?" - Willem asks, and Jude doesn't know what he is distracted with, his hand is in Jude's hair. And then Willem understands what he's said, - "Did you make them?"

"Yes, take them to class, you need to hurry, you don't want to be late," - Jude doesn't wish to hurry Willem any more than he has to, but he doesn't want Willem to get in trouble, and he doesn't want to seem like fishing for compliments for what he did for himself - bake for Willem.

"Thank you, thank you," - Willem says, turning to look, but not taking his hands off Jude. - "I'll do that, you sleep."

"Yeah, yeah," - Jude agrees, but he knows he won't sleep - Willem's coming is far too much excitement to leave sleep inside him. Willem is near, so beautiful he takes Jude's breath away and Jude feels so much better already. He suddenly throbs with a desire to kiss Willem, warm with how close they are, aching already that Willem has to go, and Jude is so shocked that he still feels that, he drops his hands from Willem's face and places a distance between them. Willem does seem to notice, but he says nothing, just nudges Jude's face one more time with his own and then immediately sprouts to his feet and goes to his side of the room. And as Jude watches Willem take in a plate and read a note, smile, he reminds himself one more time - that this year he will not let this backwards thirst for Willem create a single moment of awkwardness between them. Jude vows to control himself.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And the happy days follow, and turn into happy weeks. That entire first day, Jude feels like singing - Willem is back, he's seen Willem, and even though he does get used to Willem's presence later, he still feels that warm toe-curling happiness, that same tune he created the first day, looping again and again in his mind, making him giggly at inappropriate times, feeling like a balloon with helium - about to fly away.

What adds to the happiness is that Jude does manage to control himself - he forces himself to focus on everything else he missed about Willem - talks to Willem well into the night about their summers, tells Willem what JB and Malcolm told him, analyses the changes with Willem, of the sophomore year against the freshman, of their classmates, reads the plays Willem thinks about auditioning in. He even helps Willem rehearse - always a joy for Jude, even if he feels self-conscious about himself, but he only needs to read the lines and gets to see Willem working at the delivering the lines back with greater and greater understanding of the character. Willem tells him about the math course he has to take because of requirements and how he struggles in it, and Jude volunteers to help Willem out, and even though they both feel inadequate in it - Willem because he struggles to understand Jude's explanations, and Jude because he falls so spectacularly in helping Willem, it still adds to the happiness Jude feels because of Willem's presence. Then, there's classes and JB and Malcolm, and Jude gets ill sometime in September and has to take his time to get better while not falling behind in his classes, and then there is the hateful hospital and fights and pleads with Andy, and calls with Ana, and somehow time passes and Jude realizes he hadn't even needed to try all that hard not to do anything embarrassing in front of Willem, because he had no time for it. 

And before Jude has the time to congratulate himself with it, before he has the time to tell himself that there is nothing to fear in the future - Jude will keep himself busy, will keep himself distracted from that part of his love for Willem, before he has the time to properly analyze his win and draw conclusions out of it, everything goes to the crash.

Jude doesn't even realize what is happening half-way into it. He enters their room between the classes - just dropping one set of books for another ones. He has a fifteen minute window between the classes, one of the littlest possible, so he is in the hurry, storming in, when the room actually registers in his mind. Willem has a free day - his only class is a night class. Jude will think later that Willem must've gotten used to having the room to himself that day - Jude, unlike him, has back-to-back classes, Willem couldn't have expected him to enter the room. But that he will think later. As it is now he can't think. He stops in the tracks before he fully understands what is going on in the room, and the senses come to him slowly, one by one, his eyes get used to the dim light of the room - the curtains are shut and the sunlight enters only tinted with the red of the material, turning everything orange. Second Jude feels the smell - it is something warm and familiar, but Jude can't pinpoint what it actually is, it smells like a den in the winter in which one might hibernate, for some reason Jude thinks, something comfortable. But then he also recognizes the silence, and understands that before it there were sounds - just when he entered the room he heard something like a wet clap in a steady rhythm. And at last he understands what he sees and Willem, very naked Willem who is holding his dick in his hand and is lowering his hips down to the bed - Jude's eyes just go there and he zeroes between Willem's legs, he sees Willem's hole between, and drags his eyes immediately upward to Willem's face, Willem who is flushed and sweaty, makes _such a noise_. Jude doesn't even control himself and groans out loud, his dick hardening with each moment. _He looks so close_ , Jude thinks against himself. And Willem's mouth just hangs open at Jude's voice and Willem scrambles to his feet, and Jude sees that Willem - this Willem, Willem who was in the middle of masturbating, who is naked, - is about to come closer to him, and he is about to say something, and panic revives Jude out of his stupor and he hurries to run away from Willem, runs out of the room like a man haunted and away from the dorm just as quickly.

And even though Jude is barely able to think about anything beyond the picture that gets stuck in his head, he has half a sanity left to think that even if he were to lose all precious bits of control and self-restraint he so far has shown, can he even be blamed?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
